Righteous Felon

Righteous Felon

In 1996, a band of three young, small-time crooks developed a recipe for a highly potent substance that went by the street name ‘Jerky.’ Within weeks, jerky flooded the streets of Chester County, Pennsylvania. The gang was moving 10 kilos a week – pushing in the back alleys, the street corners, and the recess yards. Supply couldn't keep up with demand, and the boys got sloppy. In the fall of ‘98, a deal went awry in the 9th-grade hallway bathroom when a teacher caught the boys mid-chew. The three received 4 hard hours of after-school detention. While on the inside, they became cell-mates with a man that went by the name ‘G-off,’ a notorious carnivore with a meat distribution network that stretched from Brazil to British Columbia. It was this cell-mate-ship that altered the course of jerky trafficking, and American history, forever. By 2006, the once small time crooks had become a syndicated international jerky cartel known as Righteous Felon – and their product was everywhere. Movie stars, politicians, professional athletes – everyone wanted a taste of the action…literally. If you did jerky in the United States between 2006 - 2011, there’s an 85% chance it came through Righteous Felon. The jerky became so prevalent and so profitable, that in 2011 the Obama Administration, pinched with a rising debt crisis and demands from the liberal left, was forced to pass the Freedom of Flavor Act, which legalized the production and sale of high potency beef jerky for medicinal purposes and allowed government taxation on each transaction. In an attempt to maintain national security, the U.S. government solicited Righteous Felon to oversee the notoriously violent Jerky industry. Righteous Felon declined the offer; citing jerky for “medicinal purposes only” as a direct violation of basic human rights. As the industry lay unregulated, the smaller cartels began to up-rise, and the government was forced to concede and allow Righteous Felon to distribute and over see the sale of jerky to all people, regardless of their state of health. So, as you rip open this bag, and the aroma hits your nose, the flavor; your tongue, the endorphins; your brain, the smile; your lips…. remember my friend, this time last year, if a cop busted in right now, you’d be serving 20 to life. Stay Righteous.